So many things on my mind right now. I am not at liberty to divulge the nature of these ruminations, but I can tell you this – they are critical and confusing!
Just the simple act of thinking is colored by being BP. I question myself at every turn. These feelings I feel – are they of normal content and intensity? Are they justifiable or am I making mountains out of molehills? On the other end of the spectrum… am I discounting the severity of some things out of some feeling of obligation to compensate for the BP insecurity? This really stinks. I can’t even trust my own feelings.
Feelings are very subjective. No one can MAKE me feel a certain way. No one can MAKE me act a certain way. No one can tell me what I am or am not feeling. If I say I am feeling a certain way – that is a statement of fact. Accept it and start from there. I know as a Christian, my actions should not be governed by feelings. My actions should be brought in accordance to the Word of God (which is NOT subjective), and this at all costs. I am struggling with this right now.
In my head and heart I know this to be true. I have experienced the goodness of God and His protecting hand on me so many times before. When He says “trust Me”, I know I can. Only the Lord knows the beginning from the end... He knows how the dilemma will turn out before I even step into it. To some, this may sound like I depend on an external locus of control – that I feel I have no control over the events around me, and that I must accept every situation as the will of God, regardless of how painful or humiliating it may be. THAT definition I do not subscribe to!
There are a number of things the Bible has a clear, perfectly understandable teaching about. Those things I believe are to be followed without regard to personal loss/gain. Everything else – Biblical principles can and should be applied to help guide in those decisions. My problem is often not in the decision-making process, but in whether or not there is actually a decision that needs to be made.
Being BP, I have more intense emotions and feelings. I have too much insight. I have too much understanding. I second-guess myself all the time because I tend to over-analyze everything. This is not healthy, at least not for me. Sometimes I need another person to make these decisions for me.
When I ask someone’s advice, I often feel like their opinions have to be taken with a grain of salt. They have not walked a day in my shoes. Even if they did… how could they truly understand the range of emotions I experience. Another case of “the TOO brain” stalks me. When I am happy, I am TOO happy. When I am angry, I am TOO angry. When I am hurt, I am TOO hurt. When I am in love, I am TOO in love. What is real? What is appropriate? How can I know?
I had always thought I had a pretty good head on my shoulders. My parents taught me well the art of critical thinking, and analytical thinking. I can problem solve with the best of the best, and that’s my intelligent self saying that – not my over-inflated ego-maniacal self that accompanies hypomania. The difficulty doesn’t lie in solving the problem… the difficulty is in identifying whether or not a problem actually exists.
Knowing the effects of having the TOO brain, coupled with BP, stirred in with a very untraditional upbringing, shaken together with a strong desire to please the Lord… all of these factors are rolled together... What I guess I am wondering is this: when I need to validate whether a problem even exists – who do I turn to?
I have many kinds of friends, three in particular in whom I can confide. They do not communicate with each other, and they all have very different perspectives. How scary is it when they all give the same advice, but I am still unsure of which route to take? Their advised course of action is the same, but from three different points of view and for three different reasons. This is very confusing to me, since I still have a hard time reconciling their advice with common sense (though I know in my heart they are probably right)
I have an emotional friend who shows little emotion, but bases her decisions on past experiences and feelings, with a little foresight thrown in. The next friend shows more emotion, but in her decision-making, she is one of the most analytical people I know. Friend number three gets her guidance straight from the Bible. I want to be like all three. They don’t appear to be tortured with simple decisions like I am. I just want to know… IDK… I think I need a break from it altogether.
Maybe what I am looking for is not advice, but approval for my decisions from someone with a little authority. Someone who can tell me definitively what I need to do. Not offer options. Not beat around the bush. Not sugar-coat anything. Just tell me what I am to do! Then tell me how to deal with the consequences of that course of action – good or bad.
This someone must be willing to listen to my rendition, including all experiences and feelings leading up to this point, so I can feel they have some insight into WHY there is a problem. They must also be a person who can hear me say something then forget it. I need to be able to be totally truthful without judgment, but I don’t want to give anyone a skewed image of who I really am when I’m NOT being tortured with a decision that has two possible, equally miserable, equally wonderful possibilities. Who is this person? They would need to understand the trappings of the BP mind as well as the importance of staying spiritually within the lines the Lord has drawn. . I fear they don’t exist. L
And so, folks, THIS is what I find the most difficult about being a high-functioning BP: I am too high functioning for people to reach out and help without my asking, but not confident enough in my level of functioning to make important decisions on my own. So the question is this: is this all that unusual? Is it really my fear of the motive behind the decisions? Or is it the fear of the change that acting on each decision will bring, and the rest is just a ploy to distract me from having to make the decision? These are the thoughts in my mind. In my Deciduous Mind….
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