I've been unplugged for a while, but I'm back :)

My aunt sent me this e-mail, and I thought it was really cute. Normally, I wouldn't post something like this, but it was a good reminder that ALL God's creatures need a little respite! 

Older dogs...God bless them!

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly  that he had a home and was well taken care of.  He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats  on his head;  he then followed me into my house,  slowly walked down the hall,  curled up in the corner  and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.  The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard,  walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall again  slept for about an hour.  This continued off and on for several weeks.                         Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to  find out  who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is           and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon  your dog comes  to my house for a nap.'  The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note   pinned to his collar:  'He lives in a home with 6 children,  2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?' Just a cute reminder that sometimes we just need to retreat!

So many things on my mind right now. I am not at liberty to divulge the nature of these ruminations, but I can tell you this – they are critical and confusing!

Just the simple act of thinking is colored by being BP. I question myself at every turn. These feelings I feel – are they of normal content and intensity? Are they justifiable or am I making mountains out of molehills? On the other end of the spectrum… am I discounting the severity of some things out of some feeling of obligation to compensate for the BP insecurity? This really stinks. I can’t even trust my own feelings.

Feelings are very subjective. No one can MAKE me feel a certain way. No one can MAKE me act a certain way. No one can tell me what I am or am not feeling. If I say I am feeling a certain way – that is a statement of fact. Accept it and start from there. I know as a Christian, my actions should not be governed by feelings. My actions should be brought in accordance to the Word of God (which is NOT subjective), and this at all costs. I am struggling with this right now.

In my head and heart I know this to be true. I have experienced the goodness of God and His protecting hand on me so many times before. When He says “trust Me”, I know I can. Only the Lord knows the beginning from the end... He knows how the dilemma will turn out before I even step into it.  To some, this may sound like I depend on an external locus of control – that I feel I have no control over the events around me, and that I must accept every situation as the will of God, regardless of how painful or humiliating it may be. THAT definition I do not subscribe to! 

There are a number of things the Bible has a clear, perfectly understandable teaching about. Those things I believe are to be followed without regard to personal loss/gain. Everything else – Biblical principles can and should be applied to help guide in those decisions. My problem is often not in the decision-making process, but in whether or not there is actually a decision that needs to be made.

Being BP, I have more intense emotions and feelings. I have too much insight. I have too much understanding. I second-guess myself all the time because I tend to over-analyze everything. This is not healthy, at least not for me. Sometimes I need another person to make these decisions for me.

When I ask someone’s advice, I often feel like their opinions have to be taken with a grain of salt. They have not walked a day in my shoes. Even if they did… how could they truly understand the range of emotions I experience. Another case of “the TOO brain” stalks me. When I am happy, I am TOO happy. When I am angry, I am TOO angry. When I am hurt, I am TOO hurt. When I am in love, I am TOO in love. What is real? What is appropriate? How can I know?

I had always thought I had a pretty good head on my shoulders. My parents taught me well the art of critical thinking, and analytical thinking. I can problem solve with the best of the best, and that’s my intelligent self saying that – not my over-inflated ego-maniacal self that accompanies hypomania. The difficulty doesn’t lie in solving the problem… the difficulty is in identifying whether or not a problem actually exists.

Knowing the effects of having the TOO brain, coupled with BP, stirred in with a very untraditional upbringing, shaken together with a strong desire to please the Lord… all of these factors are rolled together... What I guess I am wondering is this: when I need to validate whether a problem even exists – who do I turn to?

I have many kinds of friends, three in particular in whom I can confide. They do not communicate with each other, and they all have very different perspectives. How scary is it when they all give the same advice, but I am still unsure of which route to take? Their advised course of action is the same, but from three different points of view and for three different reasons. This is very confusing to me, since I still have a hard time reconciling their advice with common sense (though I know in my heart they are probably right)

I have an emotional friend who shows little emotion, but bases her decisions on past experiences and feelings, with a little foresight thrown in. The next friend shows more emotion, but in her decision-making, she is one of the most analytical people I know. Friend number three gets her guidance straight from the Bible. I want to be like all three. They don’t appear to be tortured with simple decisions like I am. I just want to know… IDK… I think I need a break from it altogether.

Maybe what I am looking for is not advice, but approval for my decisions from someone with a little authority. Someone who can tell me definitively what I need to do. Not offer options. Not beat around the bush. Not sugar-coat anything. Just tell me what I am to do! Then tell me how to deal with the consequences of that course of action – good or bad. 

This someone must be willing to listen to my rendition, including all experiences and feelings leading up to this point, so I can feel they have some insight into WHY there is a problem. They must also be a person who can hear me say something then forget it. I need to be able to be totally truthful without judgment, but I don’t want to give anyone a skewed image of who I really am when I’m NOT being tortured with a decision that has two possible, equally miserable, equally wonderful possibilities. Who is this person? They would need to understand the trappings of the BP mind as well as the importance of staying spiritually within the lines the Lord has drawn. . I fear they don’t exist. L

And so, folks, THIS is what I find the most difficult about being a high-functioning BP: I am too high functioning for people to reach out and help without my asking, but not confident enough in my level of functioning to make important decisions on my own. So the question is this: is this all that unusual? Is it really my fear of the motive behind the decisions? Or is it the fear of the change that acting on each decision will bring, and the rest is just a ploy to distract me from having to make the decision? These are the thoughts in my mind.  In my Deciduous Mind….

A DECIDUOUS MIND: Very Good Explaination with Videos

A DECIDUOUS MIND: Very Good Explaination with Videos

Very Good Explaination with Videos

For those not familiar with Bipolar disorder, I have included a link to a very good website. There are clear explainations and real life people giving their testimonies regarding living with Bipolar Disorder.

Don't let this information scare you. You can't manage something you don't recognize. If ever there was something to face head-on, this is it.

Pay close attention to Kay Jamieson's admonition regrding regular sleep and finding activities that bring joy. Ms Jamieson is a psychiatrist who suffers Bipolar Disorder, to the point of psychosis. She has s book, which I highly recommend to anyone who is either newly diagnosed, or who thinks you can cure Bipolar Disorder. The book is "An Unquiet Mind" You will never be the same after you read it. I promise.

Sad thing

I'm back, but I don't have a lot of time to get all my ideas down, so this will be (maybe) shorter than the others. I have TONS of papers to write - the work is done but in the nursing world; until it's documented, IT NEVER HAPPENED. So I do need to get those written...

I have been manic for almost 2 weeks now. I have not needed to eat or sleep, which has been helpful since I have alot of extraneious things to get done, and I didn't see anyone handing out 40 hour days. My weight is down, and my mood is 'high.' Yesterday I expereinced a sort of mixed episode in that I was 'up' but also quite 'down'. It was pretty scary, as I haven't experienced anything like that in a very long time (like years)

I want to share something that I think is so sad. When I was at clinical on Wednesday at an area mental illness facility, I asked the same question I like to ask at every in-patient facility I visit or observe - how often do these folks have family visit? The numbers were sad. Often these patients have NO VISITORS. Not even Momma. I am a strong proponent of families being involved in therapies of all sorts. Without your family, where are you anyway? My hert was broken to see the graves sites of hundreds of individuals who had passed while under the care of the program.. their headstones a brick sized peice of concrete with a number on it. No name. No birth or death date. Not evcen the little 'dash' between the dates that represents their short lives on earth. Nothing. These people were wards of the state. Their families either didn't know where they were or they didn't care. These folks have no graveside service, no flowers, no tears. I was moved to tears for them, but it was too late. They had already been abandoned. Why?

I can't answer for every family who ever had a mentally ill person in it, but I can share my observations. Mentally ill people cause pain in their families. They are often the source of financial, social, and health problems. They are sometimes hard to 'control' and are embarrassing. They can be dangerous. No one asked to have a mentally ill person in their family! Having a mentally ill person in your family meant there could very well be something wrong with those who appeared mentally 'well.' And who wants to face that reality? Know what I say to these reasons for abandonment?

PHOOEY!

There are so many resources available now to help people and thier families not only understand, but learn to live with the illnessse. True, there are differing levels of function. Some mentally ill people are at times a danger to themselves or others. At times of MI flare-ups, this is when the patient needs thier family THE MOST! Families are the patients' support, their strength, an extension of their doctor's eyes and ears, and the nurses' loving kindness. Families are supposed to represent all that is good in teh world, and when a mentally ill person sees they have been left to die alone...  well.. how would YOU feel? If ou went into the hospital with pneumonia and no one called or visited, and all memories of you were stricken from teh environment - would that help you heal? Would you look forward to improving and going back to a place you weren't welcome, to people who don;t want you around? You would feel better off lying in the hospital bed. You can pretend your healthcare providers are your family. You can navigate the long road to recovery by yourself, but in your present physical - and yes I said PHYSICAL - state, your brain function doesn't really comprehend that there's even a problem. Who will care for you? Why try? Not much reason to live, sounds to me. Very very sad.

Try walking up to someone you know and saying "did you know I suffer from a mental illness?" and have them look at you like you have the plague, and immediately deny it for you. Like you haven't already tried THAT before. Like if THEY say you don't have it this one time, it will be more effective in curing your condition than the thousands of times you personally had already said those very words, hoping for the same result. Now you are danaged goods, and your illness becomes the pink elephant in the room. Always aware of its presence, but never addressed. How is that helpful?

Families -please do this for your loved one who has been disgnosed with a mental illness:
     Accept the fact they have an illness. How would you react if you heard they had diabetes or high       
               blood pressure?
     Be willing to be educated on the illness. There is great fear in mystery, so read up, talk to your   
              doctor - anything! Your loved one can probablky answer some questions for you. Showing you
              care enough to investigate is a huge boost to the patient. It wil estab;ish a layer of trust that
             wouldn't otherwise be there. How can you help htem work through the hard times when you
             don't know anything about it?
     Participate in the care without trying to take control of the illness. It is not yours to control. You may               not always be around when your loved one faces a crisis. Let the patient learn to deal with their
             illness in a way (an adaptive , healthy way!) that suits them. Group therapy may be more
             beneficial to one where the other needs more personal space and less stimulation. Listen to your
             family member.. they will know what they need, and will tell you if you ask. The patient and   
             family must know the enemy before waging battle against it!
     Do not minimize the impact the illness has had on relationships in the past, but also don't dwell on it.
            Sometimes (oftentimes) people with mental illnesses do things they don't understand, for reasons
           they don't understand, and end up hurting the people they love the most. Mentally ill people aren't
           dumb - they know they have caused pain. By denying them the opportunity to apologize, or
           talk about it, you are saying one of these things: 1) No apologies are good enough so don't even
           start because we know you will hurt us again anyway, or 2) You hurt me so bad that I can't even  
           talk about it or accept that you are sorry. and 3) You're using your diagnosis as a cop-out or
           excuse, and it's not going to work. I believe you hurt us on purpose.

These are just a few things a person can do when confronted withthe stark reality that a loved one has been diagnosed with a mental illness.

And please please please don't abandon them when they need you most!

Legal / Ethical

OK. So we were studying the legal/ethical consideration of Mental Health Nursing, and a lot of questions were raised. My instructor mentioned something very interesting (and kind of scary!) She said NEVER POST ANYTHING WORK RELATD ON FACEBOOK OR OTHER PUBLIC SITE.

This may seen like a nig DUH to some people - I mean with HIPAA and everything, I would never share anyone's information! BUT we discussed an incident (I don't know who or where this took place...) where a nurse was caring for a patient, and when her shift was over, the nurse went home. Like many of us, she checked her FB and updated her status. Said something like "So tired I can't think straight" or something to that effect. LSS (Long Story Short) - the patient dies later that night, and as often happens, there was a neglect/malpractice investigation. So guess what turns up as evidence against this nurse? YUP! The fact that she, with her own words she had implicated herself - just becasue she flippantly mentioned she was so tired she couldn't think straight! WOW!

I was really looking forward to maintaining this blog and sharing my personal experiences, but now I'm a little frightened! Is my Bipolar going to keep me from getting hired? Will anything written in this blog be used against me later? Hmmm.. I'm still deciding to be honest...

I'm thinking I will continue posting, but I may be a little more guarded than before.

Crazy litigious society!

The chicken or the egg??

I mentioned to someone yesterday that I can't believe how many s/s of ADHD I have and we started talking about being Bipolar and having Narcolepsy, and what about being ADD on top of that? For those who don't know, I am Narcoleptic - this is a neurological (NOT mental) disorder that manifests itself as frequent unexplained bouts of uncontrolled sleepiness and/or loss of muscle tone.. look it up (https://health.google.com/health/ref/Narcolepsy) . This doesn't mean I just fall asleep and fall over, or anything like that - mine is not that severe. There ARE difinitive tests to diagnose this and I am so there. Anyway...

I take Adderall to combat the Narco, but this is contraindicated (not recommended) for people with Bipolar. Consuming a stimulant can throw a Biploar into a manic state, or can bring a depressed person just enough out of their depression to allow them to do something bad to themselves. I, however, haven't felt or functioned this well in YEARS! After the first day, I saw my life start to change. It was amazing to think how much of my life I had lost to Narco. I could get up and clean the kitchen AND do laundry without having to go back to bed. Taking a shower no longer wore me out. I was less irritable, and because when Addy wears off it causes a rebound sleepiness, I was actually sleepy at a decent hour like 'normal' people (insomnia resloved). I started sleeping at night, being more productive, and was a nicer person all around. I can't believe I had missed 30 years of my life! But what about the risk from Addy + Bipolar?

I was diagnosed Bipolar II in October 2007 (though I already knew for years that I had it) My current psych and my neurologist both question my Bipolar diagnosis, but I don't. They said I should be a lot crazier by now taking the Adderall. When I read the s/s of Bipolar and my diagnosis came out positive, it was like a weight was lifted! I was textbook! It solved a lot of questions for me and my hubby. Only since starting the Adderall have I felt like what I believe a non-Bipolar feels like. Also, difinitively knowing what I was up against gave me the artillery to work toward controlling it. I still have hypomanic tendencies, but I am better able to recognize them, remove triggers and change behaviours before they get out of hand.

But back to yesterday's converstation...  So the question was this - Is my Bipolar so much better because I take the Adderall -> fewer, less severe sleep attacks -> not seeking out stimulants like food/sugar/caffeine, being more productive -> weight loss -> feeling better about myself and less stressed/again, less eating -> being able to go to bed at night with a calm mind -> less less daytime sleepiness, etc? (the Narco feeding into my Bipolar swings) OR ... The mania doesn't allow me to sleep at night -> extra sleep attacks during the day, inability to concentrate, feeling rushed all the time -> non-productivity, memory problems, pressured speech, concentration problems, etc -> increased STRESS -> overeasting and sleepiness as a stress response -> seeking out sugar/ unstgable glucose levels in the body (sugar highs and lows) -> increased Narco s/s? So which came first? Both Narco AND Bipolar begin to really show during adolescence (check and check) Both are helped tremendously by maintaining regular patterns of sleeping (check) Both are helped by eating a well balanced diet of nutritious food, and both are exacerbated (made worse) by eating large amounts of sugary, calorie-dense (fattening) food (check). For me, both are also made worse with increased levels of stress. It's a mystery I guess I'll never solve.

But what about the ADHD (which I have never been diagnosed with, but one of my children has and it tends to run in families...) IF THAT'S what the Adderall is helping, then WOW!! Like throwing a theird team onto the basketball court - now you've got a whole new game! So here's my non- medical explaination for it all - Adderall does (for me) as I explained in the above paragraph, so the lack of concentration, flight of ideas, sleep attacks, insomnia - all improved. Why hasn't it made me 'crazier by now'? Many Bipolars have what's known as paradoxical reactions to medications. I can take almost any pain med or allergy mad (including Benadryl) and it's doesn't make me the least bit sleepy, and caffeine makes me clam - not stimulated. A good explaination is here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradoxical_reaction.


I'm going to stop typing now because my very supportive loving husband tells me people won't read this because it's too long. Good-bye for now.